Population and Development in India: Are seniors in India struggling with loneliness?

Dr. Devendra Kothari

Population and Development Analyst

Forum for Population Action

“Indian society needs to understand and accept the need for emotional and even physical support especially at the old age. The stigma of late life companionship has been running in society for so long but it should hopefully be changed.”

News18 [1]

The relationship between age and loneliness is intriguing. While loneliness has been widely perceived as a problem of old age, there is evidence suggesting that adolescence is the peak age for experiencing loneliness and there are demonstrable variations between nations in reported rates of loneliness.[2] This Post (#132) focuses on people of an advanced age or seniors (70+) with special reference to India.

The Indian Census 2011 was conducted in two phases, house listing and population enumeration. The population enumeration phase was conducted between 9 and 28 February 2011. According to the reports, the Indian population increased to 1210.8 million (623.7 million males and 587.1 million females) as on March 1, 2011 with a decadal growth of 17.70 per cent.

The data on sex and marital status by age unveils the characteristics of population composition and provides disaggregated data for target oriented projects. In the age-group 0-14, male population was about one per cent more than female, whereas in the age-group 60+, the proportion of females was one per cent more than Males.

At the national level, the percentage of the aged (60+) population is 8.0 per cent (96 million). Distribution of the population by marital status shows that in 2011, 47.8 per cent of the population at the national level is reported as never married. Married population constitutes 47.0 per cent of the total population whereas widowed/divorced/separated constitutes 5.2 percent (63 million). The proportion of the W/D/S female population is much higher than males at the national level.

There is no shortage of lonely older 70+ single Indians. According to the 2011 Census data, almost 15 million elderly Indians live alone and three-quarters of them are women. There are signs that some are interested in remarriage or looking for partnership or companionship. But social pressures are creating obstacles, as per News18.

It is completely understandable as to why one might feel lonely as he/she gets older. Children or family members might have moved out of the house and are far away. Even worse, your spouse could have passed away. Further, in the Covid-19 pandemic period where loneliness, aloofness, depression, and mental breakdown has engulfed strong and young individuals and compelled them to take disastrous decisions to end their lives, it is now time for every such individual to pull up their socks and take effective measures and exercise one’s right to treat oneself for better wellbeing and live a quality life.

I had an active social and working life but, after the death of my wife around six years ago, the 78-year-old widower whose children have settled down in North America has felt a need for someone at home. Evening is my favorite time of the day. I spend it sipping tea sitting alone on the balcony. Also, as evening fell I’d get worried about my health and being alone at home and my safety. Due to Covid-19, I cannot go out. I need a partner, but in India late-life relationships are generally frowned upon by a society that places a high value on marriage and disapproves of living outside wedlock. This is a story of lonely people like me who are living alone. Here the conception of partnership or companionship is very important.

In traditional Indian society, older people have always occupied a position of reverence. They, in turn, are expected to lead a life that's centered on spirituality and family -- often helping to care for grandchildren, for example. Dating or finding a partner in later life, after a spouse has passed away, isn't the cultural norm.

And while seniors dating agencies are making matches, some say it's still difficult to sign people up, especially women -- even when they're offered financial incentives. Silver Talkies is one of such platforms for 55+.[3] The platform runs two social clubs for seniors in Bengaluru. The following discussion is based on such experiences.[4]

Adult children in urban India or outside no longer automatically invite their parents to live with them, leaving many without a support network they may have expected when they were younger. In 2012, Madhav Damle, an-ex publisher in the Indian city of Pune, Maharashtra, conducted a survey of 400 senior citizens in that city about their attitudes towards finding a companion. More than 70 per cent of respondents thought live-in relationships were an ideal solution for lonely senior citizens looking for companionship.

Saroj Ghatani, a 60-year-old widow from Pune, has been seeking a partner to live with for the last year. Her children don't like the idea, but she's prepared to go against their wishes. "They feel at 60 I have lived my life and shouldn't really think of finding a partner," she said, adding that her children worry she may not be available to help raise her grandchildren if she finds a new partner. "All my life I have worked to raise them and support them and the family. Now I want to think only about myself and live the life I want to," she says. But it is not easy.

Men and women typically want different things from live-in relationships, according to Natubhai Patel, 71. He started his non-profit dating service, Anubandh Foundation, after the 2001 earthquake in Gujarat. Around 25,000 people were killed in the quake and many survivors were left without a spouse. Patel says while many older Indian women want companionship, many potential male partners are looking for someone to manage the kitchen. But it is not easy.

"Companionship is much needed, but I'm afraid many older men are so used to being taken care of by their now-deceased wives that they are looking for someone to run their house and take care of them in old age. That's not my idea of having a companion. I don't want additional responsibility," said a former schoolteacher.

Parekh and Deepa, another live-in-relation couple initially faced opposition from his sons, who live in the same city. "Gradually, they realized I needed someone to take care of me and came around, as did hers," he said. My children live in North America and she said life with Parekh is comfortable and easy. "You need a support structure in your old age and I have it now. I don't mind taking care of him in return," she said.

Those aren't their real names.

Relationship counsellor Hema Yadav-Kadam thinks that many senior citizens and their children are confused about what constitutes a live-in relationship. "Fear of losing out on their inheritance, having a new contender in their parent's will and the inability to deal with the social disapproval -- that is inevitable and common -- is what makes most children oppose (a new relationship)," said Hema.

It is widely believed that a live-in arrangement is ideal for older couples as it gives them a sense of independence within the relationship and avoids the paperwork and legal complexities of marriage. But its legal implications are not clear.

While there is no particular law regarding the status of live-in relationships in India, in 2015 India's Supreme Court ruled that living together out of wedlock was an acceptable custom in Indian society. But the social stigma remains and, in some cases, is perpetuated by adult children who fear their parents will be ostracized by their communities, and worry over complicating inheritance issues.

As such, live-in relationships have always been the focus of debates as it possesses threats to our basic societal framework. As of now, there is no legislation or statute that specifically governs matters related to succession, maintenance, guardianship in regards to live-in relationships. However, the Protection of Women from Domestic Violence Act, 2005 legislature has acknowledged the right of partners living in a live-in relationship to get protection; but it is not so easy.

There can’t be anything more important than protecting the life and liberty of an individual, when weighed against social norms that may threaten these basic constitutional rights. And yet, our judges often refuse to protect couples in live-in relationships when they approach courts against threats from their families and others. Many judges believe they are duty-bound to uphold social values and customs and leave the couples to fend for themselves, often in the face of grave danger, as noted by Robin David of the Times of India in an article: ‘The Right To Live-In Relationships: High courts are placing so-called social norms above individual choices despite a key SC ruling”. [5]

The Supreme Court in an order when it told the Police Officers in Punjab’s Taran Taran district to protect a live-in-relation couple whose plea for protection was turned down by the Punjab and Haryana High Court. The HC has rejected the plea because it found live-in-relationships “morally and socially not acceptable”. Sc disagreed and ordered: “Needless to state that since it concerns life and liberty, the SSP (Senior Superintendent of Police) is required to act expeditiously in accordance with law including the grant of any protection to the petitioners in view of apprehensions/treats.” [6]

The message was clear and loud: you may frown upon live-in relationships, but you can’t refuse such couples protection. The right to life and liberty takes precedence over social norms in such cases, as noted by experts.

The concept of live-in relationship is not something that has been accepted with open arms in Indian society. However, live-in relationships are not illegal in India. The Supreme Court in its judgments has made it clear that live-in relations are not illegal and do not constitute an offense. The Apex Court has held that two consenting adults can live together without marriage. Live-in relationships are included under the ambit of the Domestic Violence Act 2005.

In conclusion, the foregoing discussion reveals that loneliness increases with age, and it is greater in men than in women. It is argued that there must be a separate statute dealing with this current issue so that the rights of living partners, children born out of such relationships and all those people who are likely to get affected by such relationships should be protected. At the same time, there should also be awareness among live-in partners regarding the legal consequences arising out of such living arrangements.

I would like to conclude in the words of an organization- Silver Talkies - which is working with seniors to find companionship in the silver years in India: “In an era of hyper-connectedness, India’s ageing population is struggling with loneliness and becoming increasingly disconnected from its environment.” [7]

[1] An article by News18: ‘A Dating Agency for Seniors is Helping Elderly Indian Couples Find Love Again’. Read more at: https://www.news18.com/news/buzz/a-dating-agency-for-seniors-is-helping-elderly-indian-couples-find-love-again-2703349.html

[2] Yang Keming and Christina Victor. ‘Age and loneliness in 25 European nations’, Aging & Society 31 (8), pp. 1368-1388, Cambridge University Press (09 February 2011). Read more at: https://www.cambridge.org/core/journals/ageing-and-society/article/abs/age-and-loneliness-in-25-european-nations/CB2D91D8793AA3522286EAD7203FA492

[3] To get in touch with Silver Talkies, contact at: mail@silvertalkies.com.

[4] Chakraborty, Reshmi. (2019): ‘Are Live-In Relationships For Older Couples A Solution To Loneliness? (on May 2)’ Silver Talkies. Read more at: https://silvertalkies.com/live-relationships-older-couples-solution-loneliness/ Also, refer News18 article at: at: https://www.news18.com/news/buzz/a-dating-agency-for-seniors-is-helping-elderly-indian-couples-find-love-again-2703349.html