Dr.
Devendra Kothari
Population
and Development Analyst
Forum
for Population Action
“Indian
society needs to understand and accept the need for emotional and even physical
support especially at the old age. The stigma of late life companionship has
been running in society for so long but it should hopefully be changed.”
News18
The relationship between age and loneliness is
intriguing. While loneliness has been widely perceived as a problem of old age,
there is evidence suggesting that adolescence is the peak age for experiencing
loneliness and there are demonstrable variations between nations in reported
rates of loneliness.
This Post (#132) focuses on people of an advanced age or seniors (70+) with
special reference to India.
The Indian Census 2011 was
conducted in two phases, house listing and population enumeration. The
population enumeration phase was conducted between 9 and 28 February 2011.
According to the reports, the Indian population increased to 1210.8 million
(623.7 million males and 587.1 million females) as on March 1, 2011 with a
decadal growth of 17.70 per cent.
The data on sex and marital status by
age unveils the characteristics of population composition and provides
disaggregated data for target oriented projects. In the age-group 0-14, male
population was about one per cent more than female, whereas in the age-group
60+, the proportion of females was one per cent more than Males.
At the national level, the percentage
of the aged (60+) population is 8.0 per cent (96 million). Distribution of the
population by marital status shows that in 2011, 47.8 per cent of the
population at the national level is reported as never married. Married
population constitutes 47.0 per cent of the total population whereas
widowed/divorced/separated constitutes 5.2 percent (63 million). The proportion
of the W/D/S female population is much higher than males at the national level.
There is no
shortage of lonely older 70+ single Indians. According to the 2011 Census data,
almost 15 million elderly Indians live alone and three-quarters of them are
women. There are signs that some are interested in remarriage or looking for
partnership or companionship. But social pressures are creating obstacles, as
per News18.
It is completely understandable as to why one
might feel lonely as he/she gets older. Children or family members might have
moved out of the house and are far away. Even worse, your spouse could have
passed away. Further, in the Covid-19 pandemic period where loneliness,
aloofness, depression, and mental breakdown has engulfed strong and young
individuals and compelled them to take disastrous decisions to end their lives, it is now time for every such individual to pull up their socks and take
effective measures and
exercise one’s right to treat
oneself for better wellbeing and live a quality life.
I had an active social and
working life but, after the death of my wife around six years ago, the 78-year-old
widower whose children have settled down in North America has felt a need
for someone at home. Evening is my favorite time of the day. I spend it sipping
tea sitting alone on the balcony. Also, as evening fell I’d get worried about
my health and being alone at home and my safety. Due to Covid-19, I
cannot go out. I need a partner, but in India late-life relationships are
generally frowned upon by a society that places a high value on marriage and
disapproves of living outside wedlock. This is a story of lonely people like me
who are living alone. Here the conception of partnership or companionship is
very important.
In traditional
Indian society, older people have always occupied a position of reverence.
They, in turn, are expected to lead a life that's centered on spirituality and
family -- often helping to care for grandchildren, for example. Dating or
finding a partner in later life, after a spouse has passed away, isn't the
cultural norm.
And while
seniors dating agencies are making matches, some say it's still difficult to
sign people up, especially women -- even when they're offered financial
incentives. Silver Talkies is one of such platforms for 55+. The platform runs two social clubs for
seniors in Bengaluru. The following discussion is based on such experiences.
Adult children
in urban India or outside no longer automatically invite their parents to live
with them, leaving many without a support network they may have expected when
they were younger. In 2012, Madhav Damle, an-ex publisher in the Indian city of
Pune, Maharashtra, conducted a survey of 400 senior citizens in that city about
their attitudes towards finding a companion. More than 70 per cent of
respondents thought live-in relationships were an ideal solution for lonely
senior citizens looking for companionship.
Saroj Ghatani, a 60-year-old widow from Pune, has been
seeking a partner to live with for the last year. Her children don't like the
idea, but she's prepared to go against their wishes. "They feel at 60 I
have lived my life and shouldn't really think of finding a partner," she
said, adding that her children worry she may not be available to help raise her
grandchildren if she finds a new partner. "All my life I have worked to
raise them and support them and the family. Now I want to think only about
myself and live the life I want to," she says. But it is not easy.
Men
and women typically want different things from live-in relationships, according
to Natubhai Patel, 71. He started his non-profit dating service, Anubandh
Foundation, after the 2001 earthquake in Gujarat. Around 25,000 people were
killed in the quake and many survivors were left without a spouse. Patel says
while many older Indian women want companionship, many potential male partners
are looking for someone to manage the kitchen. But it is not easy.
"Companionship
is much needed, but I'm afraid many older men are so used to being taken care
of by their now-deceased wives that they are looking for someone to run their
house and take care of them in old age. That's not my idea of having a
companion. I don't want additional responsibility," said a former
schoolteacher.
Parekh
and Deepa, another live-in-relation couple initially faced opposition from his
sons, who live in the same city. "Gradually, they realized I needed
someone to take care of me and came around, as did hers," he said. My
children live in North America and she said life with Parekh is comfortable and
easy. "You need a support structure in your old age and I have it now. I
don't mind taking care of him in return," she said.
Those
aren't their real names.
Relationship counsellor Hema Yadav-Kadam thinks that many senior citizens and their children
are confused about what constitutes a live-in relationship. "Fear of
losing out on their inheritance, having a new contender in their parent's will
and the inability to deal with the social disapproval -- that is inevitable and
common -- is what makes most children oppose (a new relationship)," said
Hema.
It
is widely believed that a live-in arrangement is ideal for older couples as it
gives them a sense of independence within the relationship and avoids the paperwork
and legal complexities of marriage. But its legal implications are not clear.
While
there is no particular law regarding the status of live-in relationships in
India, in 2015 India's Supreme Court ruled that living together out of wedlock
was an acceptable custom in Indian society. But the social stigma remains and,
in some cases, is perpetuated by adult children who fear their parents will be
ostracized by their communities, and worry over complicating inheritance
issues.
As such, live-in relationships have always
been the focus of debates as it possesses threats to our basic societal
framework. As of now, there is no legislation or statute that specifically
governs matters related to succession, maintenance, guardianship in regards to
live-in relationships. However, the Protection of Women from Domestic Violence
Act, 2005 legislature has acknowledged the right of partners living in a
live-in relationship to get protection; but it is not so easy.
There
can’t be anything more important than protecting the life and liberty of an
individual, when weighed against social norms that may threaten these basic
constitutional rights. And yet, our judges often refuse to protect couples in
live-in relationships when they approach courts against threats from their
families and others. Many judges believe they are duty-bound to uphold social
values and customs and leave the couples to fend for themselves, often in the
face of grave danger, as noted by Robin David of the Times of India in an
article: ‘The Right To Live-In Relationships: High courts are placing
so-called social norms above individual choices despite a key SC ruling”.
The Supreme Court
in an order when it told the Police Officers in Punjab’s Taran Taran
district to protect a live-in-relation couple whose plea for protection was
turned down by the Punjab and Haryana High Court. The HC has rejected the plea
because it found live-in-relationships “morally and socially not acceptable”.
Sc disagreed and ordered: “Needless to state that since it concerns life and
liberty, the SSP (Senior Superintendent of Police) is required to act expeditiously in accordance
with law including the grant of any protection to the petitioners in view of
apprehensions/treats.”
The message was clear
and loud: you may frown upon live-in relationships, but you can’t refuse such
couples protection. The right to life and liberty takes precedence over social
norms in such cases, as noted by experts.
The concept of
live-in relationship is not something that has been accepted with open arms in
Indian society. However, live-in relationships are not illegal in India. The
Supreme Court in its judgments has made it clear that live-in relations are not
illegal and do not constitute an offense. The Apex Court has held that two
consenting adults can live together without marriage. Live-in relationships are
included under the ambit of the Domestic Violence Act 2005.
In
conclusion, the foregoing discussion reveals that loneliness increases with
age, and it is greater in men than in women. It is argued that there must
be a separate statute dealing with this current issue so that the rights of
living partners, children born out of such relationships and all those people
who are likely to get affected by such relationships should be protected. At
the same time, there should also be awareness among live-in partners regarding
the legal consequences arising out of such living arrangements.
I would like to conclude in the words of an organization- Silver
Talkies - which is working with seniors to find companionship in the silver
years in India: “In an era of
hyper-connectedness, India’s ageing population is struggling with loneliness
and becoming increasingly disconnected from its environment.”
An article by News18: ‘A Dating Agency for Seniors is Helping Elderly
Indian Couples Find Love Again’. Read more at: https://www.news18.com/news/buzz/a-dating-agency-for-seniors-is-helping-elderly-indian-couples-find-love-again-2703349.html
https://silvertalkies.com/a-companion-for-the-silver-years/
